Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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