What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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