Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
