the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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