I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
