Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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