i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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