She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
