she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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