we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sext me about skeletons
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
