he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
