She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
