I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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