I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
