Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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