you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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