I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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