you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
