id be glad to
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
