call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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