I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
