You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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