I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
this is an emotional support booty call
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
