I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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