Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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