i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
