They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
