Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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