I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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