When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
