My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize