life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I did not marry a roomba.
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