I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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