it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
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Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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