My pussy is not your playground.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
