A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
