hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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