3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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