I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
