Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
