im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
