I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
