How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my vagina is haunted
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
