Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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