im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
