Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
