Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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