guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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