Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
