No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
