Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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