I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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