It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
