I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
