it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
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Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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