I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
