Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize